In the following example, I will attempt to illustrate the dynamics of the other theories and then, using the same example throughout the book, will investigate the alternatives and solutions that Rational Emotive Therapy offers. I am confident that if you pay close attention to these principles, you will see that you can deal with problems relating to anger and other emotions effectively and efficiently by use of the RET guidelines.
Let us say that I have promised to share an apartment with you as a roommate and to share the rent, provided you fix up and furnish the place. This seems agreeable to you. You go to a good deal of trouble and personal expense to keep your part of the bargain. At the last minute I inform you that I have made other plans and cannot, will not keep my part of the agreement. You feel extremely angry with me; not only have you gone to considerable expense to keep your part of the agreement, but you experience great inconvenience in that you must at the last minute look for another roommate.
You may at first keep your feelings of emotion to yourself. But because you have those feelings, unexpressed, your underlying resentment greatly interferes with our friendship. So you see that nothing gets resolved, that your seething anger interferes with many of your other activities as well, and that this solution won’t work.
You decide to confront me with your feelings, to free express them. "Look here," you say, "I won't have your treating me like this! After all, you did say you'd share the apartment with me after I had fixed it up and furnished it. I never would have done that had you not agreed to share it with me in the first place. You've clearly done me wrong, and acted really rottenly. How could you have done a thing like that to a friend? I've never done anything so nasty to you, and I really don't see how you can expect anyone's friendship if you treat people so terribly."
Or given the convenience of my having the capacity and willingness to play it with you, you use creative aggression and thus you "prepare" me for what will come. Receiving my permission to open up about your feelings, you go ahead with the expression of your emotion.
Although all of what you have on your mind may prove correct - from your point of view - your presentation of it (either through the free expression method or through creative aggression) can do more harm than good and untimely, can have quite a negative influence on your getting what you want out of this situation - or of life. Both approaches focus on my (or someone else's) wrong, even if creative aggression allows for a softening of the blow. Through that focus, they can almost not fail to set the stage for additional problems.
By openly criticizing me for my "outrageous" behavior, you can actually strongly encourage me to defend that same behavior, thereby exerting my right to it, my independence. Whereas I will not likely feel the need to hold onto my "outrageous" behavior if you allow me to reach critical conclusions about it on my own. Thus, steps I would then take away from it and toward more just treatment of you (and others) would constitute real steps symbolizing true growth, authentic change in my behavior.
Let us say that I have promised to share an apartment with you as a roommate and to share the rent, provided you fix up and furnish the place. This seems agreeable to you. You go to a good deal of trouble and personal expense to keep your part of the bargain. At the last minute I inform you that I have made other plans and cannot, will not keep my part of the agreement. You feel extremely angry with me; not only have you gone to considerable expense to keep your part of the agreement, but you experience great inconvenience in that you must at the last minute look for another roommate.
You may at first keep your feelings of emotion to yourself. But because you have those feelings, unexpressed, your underlying resentment greatly interferes with our friendship. So you see that nothing gets resolved, that your seething anger interferes with many of your other activities as well, and that this solution won’t work.
You decide to confront me with your feelings, to free express them. "Look here," you say, "I won't have your treating me like this! After all, you did say you'd share the apartment with me after I had fixed it up and furnished it. I never would have done that had you not agreed to share it with me in the first place. You've clearly done me wrong, and acted really rottenly. How could you have done a thing like that to a friend? I've never done anything so nasty to you, and I really don't see how you can expect anyone's friendship if you treat people so terribly."
Or given the convenience of my having the capacity and willingness to play it with you, you use creative aggression and thus you "prepare" me for what will come. Receiving my permission to open up about your feelings, you go ahead with the expression of your emotion.
Although all of what you have on your mind may prove correct - from your point of view - your presentation of it (either through the free expression method or through creative aggression) can do more harm than good and untimely, can have quite a negative influence on your getting what you want out of this situation - or of life. Both approaches focus on my (or someone else's) wrong, even if creative aggression allows for a softening of the blow. Through that focus, they can almost not fail to set the stage for additional problems.
By openly criticizing me for my "outrageous" behavior, you can actually strongly encourage me to defend that same behavior, thereby exerting my right to it, my independence. Whereas I will not likely feel the need to hold onto my "outrageous" behavior if you allow me to reach critical conclusions about it on my own. Thus, steps I would then take away from it and toward more just treatment of you (and others) would constitute real steps symbolizing true growth, authentic change in my behavior.
